Finally... A Family Photo

Hi everyone,

The kids are due to wake up soon, so this needs to be short ;)  Here is the first family photo taken on our family camera.  It was taken yesterday at the guesthouse.  The kids are doing really well.  Hirut is 9, Helen is 6, and Binyam is 3.  Of course, we're not without challenges, but it's nothing out of the ordinary :)

We had our U.S. Embassy appointment on Wednesday morning to get the kids' immigration papers, and though it wasn't as smooth a process as we'd hoped, we think everything worked out.  We'll know for sure this afternoon.  We're here until late Saturday evening, and we return to Minneapolis on Sunday afternoon.

We're really looking forward to getting into our normal routine at home!

Love,
Sarah & Jeremy

When we come home: A letter to family and friends

Dear Family and Friends,

Jeremy and I are so very excited about entering into this adventure of parenthood with Hirut, Helen, and Binyam.  We want to share what life will be like for our children when they come home, what we’re going to do to support them with the transition, and what you can do to help support us.  We are so grateful that we have each and every one of you in our lives.  We want you to play an important role in our family’s support system, and hope that, in the future, you will have deep, meaningful relationships with Hirut, Helen, and Binyam.

WHAT LIFE WILL BE LIKE FOR OUR CHILDREN WHEN WE COME HOME

While we are thrilled that the children are joining our family, the transition for them will likely be difficult.  Grief and loss are inherent in adoption.  We will be their fourth set of loving caregivers in their short lives, so the kids will very likely be grieving the loss of their birth family, their nannies, and their friends.  In addition, when the kids come home, their worlds will have been turned upside down.  The people, weather, language, food, smells, music, EVERYTHING will be different for them.  Even we, their parents, will be strangers to them.  We look different, speak a different language, and have a different culture and different expectations.  The culture shock we have experienced here while traveling in Ethiopia is only a hint of the culture shock they will be experiencing with us.  They are likely to be grieving the loss of everything they have ever known, and trying to adjust to their new lives in a new world at the same time. 

As part of becoming adoptive parents, we have participated in many adoption trainings, read a lot of books, met with social workers, and talked with many other adoptive families to learn more about supporting our children with this transition.  We have learned that the most important job for our family, initially, is to bond and attach to one another.  Just as biological children need to bond and attach to their parents, so do our children.  Bonding and attachment are imperative in developing each child’s sense of trust, security, and self-worth.  The tools are the same: we need to feed them, comfort them, help them sleep, and meet all of their basic needs, repeatedly over time.  What is different is that our children have experienced significant losses in their short lives. 

Though we will be their parents forever, and they will have been told that, they are not likely to fully believe it yet.  They will need to be assured that we are their family for the rest of their lives, and that we are not going anywhere.  We have learned that, in order to have the strongest possible bonding experience, we will need to be their sole caregivers, especially in the beginning.

HOW WE WILL SUPPORT THE KIDS WITH THE TRANSITION

That said, based on all that we have learned, we plan to promote bonding and ease the kids’ transition by:

1.  Focusing on the basics of getting everyone rested, fed, and dressed each day.  Initially, these three things alone will be our goals.

2.  Doing everything we can to ensure that their environment and activities are predictable to help reduce their anxieties.  For example, we’ll set up schedules and routines based on their schedules and routines at the care center.

3.  Keeping the stimulation to a minimum.  This means very few toys will be around our house initially.  This is for two main reasons.  First, our kids have not had much in the way of possessions in their lives.  They will likely be over-stimulated by the changes in their environment and not know how to properly care for their toys.  Second, for attachment purposes, parents and siblings should be the most interesting “toys” in the house.

4.  Speaking some basic Amharic (their native language) with them.  We have been learning some key phrases in Amharic to help us understand our childrens’ needs.  Of course, we will also be speaking English with them.

5.  Allowing the kids to eat when they feel the need so that they trust that food will always be available.  This may make meal times a bit tricky at first, but this is an important way for our children to gain trust.

6.  Cooking some familiar Ethiopian foods.  We’ve been practicing this, and we’ll likely have some help from some of our local Ethiopian restaurants occasionally too!

7.  Cocooning (as best we can).  This means that we will stay close to home with few visitors and limit the outside gatherings for a while until the children are acclimated to their new home.

8.  Being the ones that hold, feed, comfort, and bathe the children until they understand that we are their parents forever.

9.  Keeping our children connected to Ethiopians here in the Twin Cities.

10.  Being mindful that we are now a multi-racial family.

HOW YOU CAN HELP SUPPORT OUR FAMILY

That’s what we’re hoping to do, but we’re going to need your help!  There are a lot of things you can do to be involved with our family when the kids come home:

1.  Re-direct the children to us, their parents, to meet their needs.  Re-directing is when a non-parent re-directs a child to their parent to meet their needs. This includes requests for food, drink, comfort, lap-sitting, holding, bathing, etc.  For example, if one of our children comes up and tries to sit in your lap, please re-direct him or her to us. This will be very important to do in the beginning.  As the kids better understand our role as their parents, this will become less of an issue.  This may be difficult for you to do, but it is an important part of our bonding process with the children.

2.  Keep what you know of our children’s story private.  The facts surrounding how our children came to be our children are private and personal.  We ask that you do not talk about their history or speculate as to why certain events happened with other people. This is their story to tell, when and if they choose to.  If any of the kids ask you about their history, please re-direct them to us.

3.  Use adoption-friendly language around our children.  Sometimes it’s hard to know what words to use when talking about adoption or adoptive families.  We have listed some respectful adoption language below. These should help you know what words to use when asking questions, responding to questions from others, and in general conversation.

Some people say things like, “Why don’t they want their OWN child?”  Hirut,  Helen, and Binyam are our own children.  They do not have to be our biological children to be our own children.  If a question arises regarding genetic relationship, please use terms like “biological child” or “birth child”.

Another question that may be asked is “What happened to their REAL parents?”  If someone asks you this question, please explain that “Jeremy and Sarah are the real parents.”  When referring to the children’s biological family, use terms like “birth mother” or “birth family”.  Again, please don’t answer any questions regarding the children’s personal history.  Please respond with something like: “Their adoption plan and story are private and I am not comfortable sharing that information.” Never, EVER answer those questions regardless of who asks them and how nicely they do it.

Some times, people might introduce the children as our “adopted children”.  This suggests that they don’t have the same status as a biological child.  Instead, please introduce the children as “Jeremy and Sarah’s children”.  Leave it to them to figure out whether or not we’re biologically related. J

4.  Understand that we need to limit visitors initially.   At first, we will have very few visitors, and they will be limited to people that the children will see on a very regular basis.  This will help the children adjust more quickly to their environment and the people around them.  We know that this may be difficult for everyone, but it’s what’s best for the kids.  Gradually, we hope to introduce the children to all of you so that you can get to know them (and them, you) too.  Please call to ask when it would be a good time to visit (612-232-1367).  Also, if you do visit, please don’t bring gifts for the children.  If you really want to give a gift to the children, give gifts directly to us (and not to the kids, out of eyesight of the kids) so that we can give them to the kids as they are ready.  This won’t be forever, but they need to realize that their new life is not all about getting things.

5.  Understand that we are now a multi-racial family.  In the words of Cornel West, “Race matters.”  Our children will be experiencing challenges that we, as their white parents, won’t have experienced ourselves.  We, along with others, will be talking with our children about how to deal with these challenges in a healthy way.  We appreciate your support in keeping the conversation productive.

6.  Help us with meals and chores.  We would love any help with meals (frozen, prepared, take-out, leftovers, or grocery shopping) and chores (snow shoveling, dog walking, etc.)

7.  Respect our need for a quiet and uneventful airport day.  We have invited a few immediate family members to meet us at the airport when we arrive.  We kindly request that those are the only people there to meet us.  It can be very overwhelming to children coming home to see so many strange new faces after such a long journey, and there will be other opportunities to meet the children in the future.

Above all, we ask you to trust us as the new parents of these beautiful children.  We may do things differently than you would.  Inevitably, we will make mistakes.  And quite frankly, we will probably change our minds on some of the things listed above at some point, but we want to have a plan right away.  When we come home, we’ll have known each other for little more than a week.  As we get to know Hirut, Helen, and Binyam better, we will be taking our cues from them.

Thank you for understanding, and thanks for all of the support you have given us so far.  And thanks in advance, for all of the support we know you will give in the future.

Again, we feel lucky to have each of you all in our lives.

We love you all,

Sarah & Jeremy

Family of FIVE!

Hi everyone,

It's been quite an incredible day.  Today, our family of five met, all together, for the first time!   Tomorrow's another big day for us, so we need to keep this short.

We met with the children twice today.  In the morning, we brought the girls to Binyam's care center.  In the afternoon, we brought Binyam to the girls' care center.  It was great to finally hug them.  They are absolutely adorable and sweet.  The girls especially, were very excited to see us.  Binyam was thrilled to see his sisters and to try on my sunglasses. ;) I wore my necklace that Katy gave me with the kids' pictures, and they LOVED it.  They kept asking to look at it again to see their pictures.  Of course, we're still getting to know each other, so things are a bit awkward at times, but we're having fun and they seem to be having fun too.  We're managing to communicate through a little English, a little Amharic, and a whole lot of play.  We'll write more soon (but probably not tomorrow because it's absolutely PACKED!)

Less than 48 Hours!!

Hi everyone,

With a lot of help from previous traveling family photos and many different Ethiopians, we found both the orphanage the kids stayed at while they were here and the school the girls attended when they lived there.  All we could see of the orphanage was the outside gate (as we expected), but at least we saw it and we know how to find it again in the years to come. School was in session when we visited the school, so we were only able to see the outside common area.  It was a fairly large open space with a volleyball net, trees, and educational murals on the walls.  We met 2 teachers (including the English teacher) and a man who we believe was the director of the school.  After school, we saw many kids in uniforms (red shirts and navy pants or calf-length skirts) carrying silver cylinder-shaped lunchpails.  When they saw us, many were eager to practice their English with us.  :)

We are still in Nazret.  Yesterday, we actually went to Addis on a day trip to go shopping for souvenirs.  We think we're mostly done with shopping now, so that feels good.  Tomorrow (Thursday) morning, we will return to Addis Ababa to visit the Ethnographic Museum and to relax before our adoption week begins.

Usually, our agency's adoption week has a set schedule, but our week is different because a major Ethiopian holiday (Timkat) happens during it.  Timkat is commonly in the West as Epiphany. What we know will happen is this: 

• Thursday evening, we'll meet our agency at the airport as they pick up other travelers and head to the guesthouse.
• On Friday, we'll meet the kids briefly in the morning after an orientation, and then we'll see them again in the afternoon for a little while to observe their routines in the care centers.
• Over a few days, we will slowly transition from seeing the kids in the care center (where they are comfortable) to bringing them to the guest house (where we will be comfortable).
• Timkat is on Tuesday.  Usually the good-bye ceremony (where the kids say good-bye to each other and the nannies; after this, we take full custody of the kids) is on Tuesday, but because Timkat is on Tuesday that week, we are not sure if we will have the good-bye ceremony on Monday or Wednesday.
• On Wednesday, we will have our U.S. Embassy appointment to complete immigration paperwork for the children.
• Then, we spend time with the kids getting to know them for the next few days.
• On Saturday evening, we will head to the airport.
• We will be home on Sunday afternoon.

More to come on what to expect when we come home, but for now, just know that we will be hanging out at home for a while and limiting visitors until the kids are comfortable with their home and us.

WE MEET THE KIDS IN LESS THAN 48 HOURS! We'll do our best to write during adoption week, but from what we understand computer time may be difficult to come by.

Hope everything is well with all of you!  We hear you've been having quite the heat wave in the last couple days.

With love,
Sarah & Jeremy

Update

Hi everyone!

We're still in Nazret, soaking in the culture and language here.  I've been battling a cold, so we've been resting a lot too while we're here.  Happily, it's almost gone.  I suppose we need to stock up on rest while we can!  :)

Yesterday was Genna (Ethiopian Christmas), and today we found the general area where the kids are from and walked around.  We had both the digital and flip cameras with us, but it's so difficult to take pictures because it feels so intrusive.  Jeremy and I have decided to go back another day and offer to pay people to take their pictures.  Today, we just took it all in (and took lots of notes of our observations).  The houses in the neighborhood are made of either mud and concrete or corrugated metal.  Some nicer houses are in groups with fences either made of sticks or metal.  We saw lots of kids.  Some boys were playing soccer with a softball-sized ball.  Other kids either shouted "Farengi! Farengi! Money! Money!" to us or wanted to shake our hands.  "Farenji" literally means "French", but it's also the name for foreigners here.  There were also a number of garis in the neighborhood on both paved and dirt roads.  A gari is a horse or donkey cart used for transportation.  It's difficult to imagine coming from this neighborhood and culture into our neighborhood and culture.  It will be quite the culture shock for our kids!

We still haven't found the school or orphanage, but we'll try again on Monday.  We're getting closer to figuring it out.  It turns out that there is more than one branch of the kids' school, but one of the recent Nazret travelers has shared photos with us that have been helpful.  The orphanage will probably be even more difficult to find, but we'll try.  We won't be able to go inside of either the school or the orphanage, but it would be helpful to know where they were for future reference for our kids.  If for some reason we don't find them, CHSFS will take us to them next week.

Hope everything is well with everyone and that you are all staying warm!!!

Love,
Sarah & Jeremy

Hello from Nazret!

Yesterday afternoon, we made the 2-hour trip from Addis Ababa to Nazret (or Adama, as it is officially called) by bus.  Nazret is our kids hometown. 

All went as smooth as can be expected, though we did have to stop the bus to get our luggage in the back after it dropped us off.  :)  The scenery on the way here included big factories, small towns, and countryside.  The countryside had a mountain backdrop with yellow rolling hills and isolated dark green trees and shrubs.  It is warm and sunny here.  We're in t-shirts today, and I had to put on sunscreen to prevent from getting burnt.

We're staying at a really nice hotel called Ayu International Hotel.  It's cheaper than the hotel in Addis, but about 10 times nicer (the one in Addis was fine, but more basic).  This one has marble floors in the common areas, a HUGE room, our own hot water heater, digital satellite television (with 10 channels) and a balcony with a view.

Today, we walked around the town quite a bit.  Nazret is on a main thoroughfare for Ethiopia, so the street outside of our hotel is very busy with traffic from all over the country.  When you get off the main road, it's more like a small town.  There are cobblestone streets (including some that are currently being extended further).  The paved palm-tree lined boulevards have little blue electric cars, mini-buses, and people on bicycles zipping around, and the dirt roads have horse and donkey carts for transportation.  Along the dirt roads, there are drainage ditches, and many small shops and homes are on the other side, so people have made bridges out of sticks and tires to cross the ditches.

Probably one of the highlights of our walk today was a visit to the bustling food market here in town.  It was in open air with very few stalls, just people lined up selling their grains and produce from the ground.  Some of the things for sale included lentils, teff, red onions, small red potatoes, garlic, carrots, leeks, bananas, live chickens, and donkeys.

We have had the most amazing pineapple, mango, and avocado juices and pastries here so far.  Tonight we'll have traditional Ethiopian food for dinner.  Tomorrow, we'll try to find the school that the girls attended when they were here.  People seem to recognize the name of it, so it shouldn't be too difficult...

At the care center in Addis Ababa today, our kids experienced the last good-bye ceremony that they will have before we come.  The good-bye ceremony is when they say good-bye to the kids who are leaving with their new families.  We meet them in 10 days!

With love,
Sarah & Jeremy